The Big C – Commitment Phobe?

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Creative Commons License photo credit: eschipul

Commitment Phobes

That’s quite a big word with an even bigger connotation. A commitment is a promise and while it is usually made to another person, essentially it is us who is promising this big C.

But not everyone gets to the point of commitment. Why is that?

In this day and age there are plenty of opportunities to break a promise – heaven knows people seem to do it without giving it much thought.

So, why do so many people fail to commit? Why are there some people who supposedly commit to marriage and yet they find themselves divorced several times over? This doesn’t seem like true commitment to me. There is a such a thing trying to save a marriage.

On the other hand, there are people who are scared rigid at the thought of getting locked into a committed marriage or relationship even once. I guess we could say they are being more honest but maybe they aren’t really being true to themselves because they have haven’t worked through their commitment phobia.

How do you spot a commitment phobe?

There are many things to look out for including:

  • they want their cake and eat it too. That is they love being in relationships as long as they have the freedom to live the life of a single person too (a long distance relationship sits very well)
  • they are good at pursuing and capturing their prey (they do see dating as more than a game – it is all about the thrill of the chase) but when they have you, the thrill is gone – and eventually so are they
  • they are excellent at weaving stories of deceit that protect them from commitment and allow them to continue having you and their independent lifestyle
  • they have a history of short or long distance relationships (and loads of justification for why these couplings haven’t lasted)
  • they will also probably feel quite at ease about infidelity
  • they seem to know what their partner wants and are happy to please – especially in the whirlwind, hormone driven early stages of a relationship but when the relationship starts to develop a certain rhythm and structure they get uneasy, they turn down the charm button and their stories and excuses grow even bigger
  • these people tend to do all they can to avoid true intimacy
  • they may even deliberately set out to set themselves up for failure in their relationships – too old, too young, too married etc – just to make the exiting of the coupling easy for them
  • many commitment phobes are also hesitant to get too involved in their partner’s lives. Not for them the family BBQs and christenings. They like to avoid prying eyes and, in fact, their aim is to keep their life as compartmentalized as possible
  • they seem to add more and more commitments to their lives (that is, commitments outside of their relationship) and this helps them to avoid any possibility of intimacy
  • planning is not one of their strengths either because planning, with you, means commitment to you
  • once you start to know this phobe you start to remember all the unanswered calls, the forgotten emails, the important occasions missed – and the excuses they so carelessly threw your way

So, now you have my thoughts. Watch the video and leave your comments below.


Does this sound like you? There are a number of online Commitment Tests that you might like to take – just to confirm your own suspicions. Or perhaps there is someone in your life who is behaving like a commitment phobe?

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