Is Saving Your Marriage Your Top Priority?
Are you tired of the stress of living with a marriage or long-term partnership that’s on the rocks?
Are you tired of the anxiety that goes with not knowing what tomorrow holds for you and your family?
If you are really serious about saving your relationship then
Have you been worn down by problems that have built up in your partnership? You’re not alone, you know. It’s normal to have troubles and setbacks – life is full of them.
Remember: It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do about it that counts.
So, if you and your partner are suffering from:
- unresolved conflicts
- an extra-marital affair
- lack of intimacy
- excessive arguing and fighting
- bad communication or mis-understandings
- not enough quality time together
- low self esteem
- unbearable unhappiness
- even depression?
If you are then you may need to explore options that will shore up your defences and help you feel good about yourself once more.
Have all the years of fighting taken their toll on you? If the answer is yes, then stop and think:
What Have You Attracted Into Your Life?
Let’s face it, we all feel insecure, unhappy and lonely at times. What matters is what we do about it.
It may well be the case that to save your relationship you need to save yourself first!
You see, if there are troubles in your marriage chances are you’re in trouble too.
So, if you haven’t already checked out these great resources do so now.
If you want to begin with your relationship then check out:
If you want to start with yourself then see if this is for you:
The Forgotten Rules About
How To Live Life Fully and Successfully Now
It’s Never Too Late to Start Over
Begin anew and start dating you spouse again. Remember how it was in the good ol’ days. How you looked forward to spending time together; how you planned what you would wear, where you would go, even conversations you wanted to have.
Set aside regular date nights. If once a week seems too daunting then start with once a month. If that seems too slow, given where your marriage is at then compromise and make it once a fortnight. Begin anew now. DO IT!
Create or Revive the Romantic in You
When was the last time you even thought of your partner in a romantic scenario? What was romantic about the early days of your relationship? Were there anything you did together that made your heart skip a beat? If yes, re introduce some of them into your relationship right now. DO IT!
If, looking back you feel there really wasn’t much romance right from the start then you (as you are the one here looking for guidance) need to get down and get romantic.
Here are some romantic ideas to get you going:
- did you ever have a pet name for your partner? Where did it go? Maybe it’s time to start using it again and see what the response is. Use it affectionately, not sarcastically though. Remember we’re talking romantic here
- how about a romantic night in? Candles, bottle of wine, background music. Nothing too corny and definitely nothing brash, like TV
- how about a box of chocolates – for no reason – not for an anniversary; no sorrys attached. Just a romantic gesture – wrapped in red paper or a red bow. Or flowers! Romance is all about the unexpected and the unencumbered (no strings attached)
- when was the last time you had a night or a weekend away? Without the children and with no purpose other than to be together. There is nothing like a change of environment to get us out of our rut
- drop your partner a note or an email – unplanned and out of context. Make sure you don’t include anything in the message that is practical (like a to do list or feedback)
Don’t wait for the other half to initiate affection. If you have needs then show your partner what you need. For heavens sake you’ve been together long enough – don’t be shy about giving him a hug. Just walk in over there and put your arms around him. If he objects, then use the I Statement. I need this; I want this …..
If she pulls away thinking this is foreplay, reassure her that you this is a stand alone hug. No strings attached. No expectations!
Ladies don’t over do it. We know that many men prefer not to get too intimate via talking. So, lead up to this gently and don’t scare him away.
Guys, this is the way most women get connected. Ever seen how they talk to their girlfriends. The level of detail in a conversation is pretty impressive. Women play at this level and this is where they like to build there relationships from.
So, you want to save this marriage? Then man up and learn to listen actively. Your marriage depends on this. Talking is a big part of communication and communication is the cornerstone of lasting relationships.
There is nothing like getting out of the house and walking together. You can go somewhere else and then walk form there or you could just walk the neighbourhood. You will be surprised at how much this simple exercise starts to bring you together.
You see, from a psychological viewpoint you are in sync, literally, breathing and stepping in time and this brings you into rapport, at an unconscious level. DO IT!
Find a Common Interest
You are not the same person that entered this marriage, even if you’ve only been married for a short time. Every experience in life impacts on who and what we are and this marriage, whether you like it or not is part of you.
So, see if you can find an area of common interest. No, I don’t mean a craft group or nights out at the football. This has to be something you both want to do. And, you may be surprised at how long it takes to find common ground.
Chances are, if you are having trouble saving yourself then you have probably lost yourself somewhere along the way. And your partner may also be so busy holding on to the marriage that he too has lost touch with his own identity. So, be gentle and explore what is out there. Use your intuition and when something clicks and you find yourself liking the idea, then share it with your partner.
Is There a Third Person in the Marriage?
Remove them or yourself from their life immediately. A marriage is between two people – call me old fashioned – but that is what it is. It is a promise, a commitment you did voluntarily make for life and while life may not turn out to mean whole of life, having a third person in a marriage is a sure fire way to destroy your marriage.
How did that person get there, in your marriage, anyway? If they are the mother or the father of a child from a different relationship, then of course all of you are linked for life. In this case, you need to establish boundaries, rules of engagement, how this person will be allowed to be in your life.
If there is no child or other person that links you to the third person then you need to remove them. It doesn’t matter if they are the maid, the secretary, the PA, even the counselor. If your intuition (and I’m not talking to those people who are pathologically suspicious of their spouse) is that these people are impacting your marriage in a negative way then you either remove them from your life or get your partner to remove them from his. DO IT!
If you can’t because they are your boss or your neighbour or a family member then establish with your spouse rules about what kind of behaviour is acceptable. Can you be alone with them? Are you OK with traveling in a car alone? What about when work takes you both away – what will ease the situation for you and you spouse? Talk it out. Hear each other out. the DO IT.
Save Your Personal Side for Your Partner
There is a part of us that is attached to intimacies. Infidelity does not necessarily involve sex. You can be unfaithful just by bearing too much of your soul to the third person. There are parts of you that you need to be saving for your partner. Do a quick check and see if you have been crossing that line. If you have, DON’T DO IT. Stop it now. Decease. Pull back, pull away. Retreat and begin to open up to your wife/husband instead.
Is it Harder to Save Your Marriage Than to Walk Away?
That’s for you to decide. However, if you truly want to ave your marriage then do it with all your heart. Be half hearted and you’ll get a half hearted result. Your choice.
What I will guarantee you is that both roads will be difficult. Neither path will be easy and just how difficult it will be depends on lots of factors including:
- Your personalities
- How far you are down the path to the end
- If children are involved
- Your financial situation
- Peer and family pressure
My advice if you genuinely feel this marriage is worth saving then now is the time to give it your best shot. DO IT. Have a go; Go the extra mile. Give it all you’ve got and if it doesn’t work out you can walk away with your head held high knowing that you did all you could to save your marriage. It just wasn’t enough and that is not a reflection on you because, you did all you could to hold it together.